TMI Thursday: I'd Rather Kiss A Goat

I don't have the body and Joe is too modest for Half Naked Thursday soooooo...
I made a brand new category.
Too Much Information Thursday.
Hereafter, I will use the standard abbreviation of TMI, if you don't mind.

Now, for this week's installment:
I'd Rather Kiss A Goat

When I was fourteen and a freshman in high school, I managed to talk my mom into allowing me to attend my first "real" party. It was hosted by a senior who happened to attend our church. I can't remember now how I accomplished tearing my mother's guard down for that one evening. It really doesn't matter. She not only allowed me to go but she dropped me off at the top of the girl's driveway and went back home to patiently wait for the phone call I was to make at the end of the party.

I wore my hair back in a ponytail clipped with a big, white bow. My sweater was blue and white and mint green. It was covered in white Scottie dogs. My glasses had those over-sized plastic rims but they were nothing compared to the big golden cross hanging around my neck. When I walked into this girl's house, I might as well have been crossing over into a parallel universe.

The place was packed. I scanned and scanned the room for someone familiar. Finally, I saw a girl I was vaguely acquainted with. I rushed to her side. She handed me a beer. I didn't drink it. I wanted to but it was smelly. I was afraid of my mom's blood-hound nose. I didn't have a clue what to do or what to say. I was bobbing to the music, beer in hand. I wanted desperately to not look like a fool. A fairly cute guy, I'd never seen before, materialized at my elbow and whispered his friend wanted to talk to me. I was to go with him. He wanted to talk to me down the hall.

(This is when you scream at the computer screen as if watching a horror movie: "Don't go, girl! "They're gonna getcha, girl! Didn't your momma ever tell you to stay away from strange boys/men who had been drinking? If you do anything, you should run call your momma right now...before anything happens.)

Well, I went.

I followed old boy down the hall. It was dark. The music stopped and we had to wait for a huge crowd of people to clear the hallway before we could pass by. Prince was playing in the background. Old boy stopped and leaned over as if to tell me something. I leaned in. It was so loud, I could barely hear him.

Then the door we were leaning against opened and I fell backward only to be caught by someone. I saw old boy's face illuminated in the doorway for a moment and then he locked the door. The guy holding me tried to turn me around. I was as stiff as a 2 X 4. Prince was belting out 'Purple Rain' and old boy was laughing. I genuinely was frozen in place and was just waiting........waiting for what?

The guy holding me said he wanted to kiss me. His body was big and soft. His breath smelled funny. I told him to let go of me and got some life back into me. This is when he swooped in for the kill and started to suffocate me with his big, slurping kiss. Prince was just finishing up Purple Rain as I found my knee and put it in Big N Soft's groin. He let go of me and I almost knocked the door down getting out of there. Oddly enough, they ran out after me and when I turned to see if they were behind me, they were.

And that's the worst part of it. In the light, I saw Big N Soft, the french licker. He was someone's older brother and a special ed student. He'd just returned from a long stay at a quiet place for troubled youth. His sister was a friend of mine and we all knew he had a serious problem. He had been found having inappropriate interactions with the family pet; a goat named, Nanny.

That's right, folks. My first kiss was in a dark closet, under duress, from a guy with an IQ of 90 and a special affection for farm animals.


Now, you might ask yourself why I would bust this little gem out on you for the very first installment of TMI Thursday.
The answer: Big N Soft sent me a friend request on Facebook today.