Utensil Porn

OXO stainless spatula from Target. It's simultaneously hot and heat resistant. With it's sleek, one piece design and $8.99 price tag, it knows how to treat one's eggs.

They Ruin Everything With Their Weiners

Pornoriffic

I was working all this past weekend at a Bluegrass Festival. Joe originally planned to come with me but it would've been the second Friday in a row he would've taken off work for extracurricular activities with the wifey. And that would not do. He just got a raise and in this economy, we do not want to rock that boat. Someone has to pay the bills while I flit around being a school nurse and face painter.

Anyhoo. I was at the music fest and it was crawling with hot, bearded men. Literally. The heavy beard is back it seems and the weather was not only hot, it was humid.  I, myself, wilted like a hothouse flower and I wondered how long Joe would tolerate his own full beard.

I'm almost certain I've mentioned my affection for varying degrees of facial hair on men.To date, I've been influenced by Joe's George Michael-like scruff the most. And by influenced, I mean, compelled to get it on with him. You know, more so than usual. So imagine my surprise when I received a text and the picture above from my beloved. (I used his caption as the title for this post.) Yes, folks. That's a bonafide porn star mustache he's sporting. Per my request.

Life is good.

Spring has sprung.

The mustache lives on.

Good Morning, Wild Women

I trust you gals are taking care of business 

and if you aren't, I suggest you shake it around a little.

Francine doesn't lie and a woman who EVER rocked

that headband ( is it hooked to the earrings?)
and that dress would not steer you wrong.

Obey All Traffic Signs

Said Sam I Am

But how does the baby get INSIDE the mother?

Well, all human babies start from a tiny egg deep inside the mother.

And?

And what?

And what makes the baby start growing from the tiny egg?

Love.

(Pregnant Pause)

I don't love eggs. I don't even like 'em.

Just Follow The V-Neck

She liked his new v-neck t-shirt.

She said it was sexy because a v-neck is like an arrow pointing to the penis.

"Funny" he said.

"I always thought of it as just an opening for the neck."

Break On Through

The windows in our bedroom gave the worker men trouble. The windows were broken accordingly. A large amount of glass fell to the floor. I found a large triangular shard propped vertically against the baseboard in the hallway three days after we cleaned up the mess. It could've run through my whole family at once. It was that large.

I was given a couple of weeks of grace and then? You're wondering who the blood belongs to, aren't you? Well, it ain't the blood of the chosen one; It's mine. I got shanked in the foot. Technically, I was shivved. it is a glass shiv. A shank is made of metal whereas a shiv may be made of anything; even a sharpened pork chop bone. I'd never make it in prison but it never hurts to be informed.


I'd just answered the phone when I stood up and sunk it in the sole of my left foot. Pow! Fuck! Ow! The worst thing was that it hesitated and then popped through. It makes me a little green around the gills even now. So it was in. I hung up the phone and called Joe to come help me.

He did. I sat on the side of the bed and told him to pull it out. He did not hesitate. He reached and pulled it out as a reflex. The blood went everywhere but he had no towel. I grabbed the bed sheet and applied pressure. He ran into the bathroom. I stood up and lost my shit. I became painfully aware of being faint. I'm a fainter so I was not surprised. I was, however, about to pass out. I turned back toward the bed and lurched forward into the warm soft sand. The sun was so warm on my skin and I could hear the ocean waves rolling onto shore. The seagulls began to call my name. They began to sound a lot like Joe. My lips, hands and feet tingled. I looked down and felt myself back on the bed and pulling my dress down over my ass.

***I really hope dying is just like this.
I just want to fade out to bliss. If only for a moment.***

I asked if I'd passed out and Joe confirmed I had. He said I fell across the bed and my hands and feet twitched. He thought I was having a seizure. He said he almost called 911. I'm glad he didn't do that. That would've been embarrassing. I'm embarrassed enough as it is.

When I asked Joe if I did anything foolish or embarrassing while incapacitated, he denied any such behavior. A few days after the event, his story changed. The moment of danger had passed and he'd had a few beers. We were talking about what happened when he referenced my "nice trim job". I didn't catch on at first. Finally, he admitted to getting a nice look while I was passing out with my dress over my head.

I can only hope it was crowned in glory like this glass fragment.

Blood, sex, glass fragments and never a dull moment!