Last night, I lay in bed and while Joe spooned me, I looked out into the darkness of the room. The longer I lay there, the more wide awake I became. I began to think of myself as looking
through the darkness and as I did that, memories of my grandmother's old house, drifted into my mind's eye. It is not uncommon that I think of her, but her spirit(?)has been ever present with me for weeks now.
Joe came home from a trip to the hardware store just before my back began paining me, to find me in the attic and crying. I had gone up there looking for something. I wasn't sure of what it was. I just had a sense of needing to. When I reached the top of the steps, I saw her black purse sitting off to the side. Mom put it there when she died, 16 years ago. I opened it up, wondering what would be there. I knew they removed her important documents so I only expected to find some old coins. And I did. I found many old coins in many little change purses. I also found her headscarf and some bobby pins. I remember how old I thought the scarf made her look. She was old. I tied the scarf on and fastened it at the edges with hair pins. then I moved on to her wallet. It held two items. My grandfather's SS card and my eight grade school picture.
Still wearing her scarf, I lost my composure and sobbed. And this is how Joe found me, sitting up there in the attic. My mom is the youngest of ten children. I am the next to youngest of twenty-something grandchildren and almost fifty great-grandchildren. To find my picture and only my picture, well....I don't know how to word it....it triggered a very strong emotional response. She moved into a trailer on the back of our property when I was about eight years old. Until then, she lived about thirty miles away in the backwoods all alone. She came to need more supervision and that's when she came to us full time.
The old home place was one of my favorite places when I was very small. It holds many, many memories of good food, family, Sundays, cigarette smoke, white v-neck t-shirts and plants and flowers galore. She would plant anything in anything. When the toilet broke, she hauled it out there and planted it. She lived to plant and water and tend. She had chickens and hogs, too. Way back when...
That's what I began to think about lying in bed last night. As I focused more and more on remembering and concentrated on the darkness, I had the most powerful experience. It was as if I was transported back in time. I walked through that yard in my mind. I studied the two huge tractor tires planted in Marigolds and Forget- me-nots. I peered over into the large metal rainwater containers that flanked the screened porch. I swear I saw my reflection and the mosquito larvae wiggling on the surface. I walked into the house and through it. I smelled it. I felt it through and through. Huge tears rolled down my face and into my ears and my nose instantly became useless for doing anything but making snot. I lay there and struggled to "get a grip" and that's when Joe patted me and asked what was the matter. I told him it wasn't anything he'd done and that I was having a "tender moment" and needed a tissue. I wanted to explain it but I knew I would blubber and upset him if I tried. I went to the bathroom and washed my face and blew my nose. I came back to bed and even though I was wired just moments before, I fell into a swift, deep sleep.
Now, I'm not much for ghosts, spirits, angels, gods or devils. I believe in the power that I feel within myself. I have faith in myself and some of the people closest to me. I am human and I try my best to follow my instincts and do what feels right. But I will share some points of interest with you that may explain why I've just rattled off the description of my mind-meld-meltdown.
1. My mom will turn sixty-five this year. The same age as my grandmother when I was born. I can't help but compare them, they favor so. Although, my mom has aged much more gracefully. My grandma lived until I was eighteen and she was eighty-three.
2. I've been compelled to plant this year. I've got a garden put in. I'm planting stuff in old totes and huge baskets and anything else that will hold some soil.
3. This morning, I awoke feeling a little embarrassed. I explained to Joe it was just another one of my moments. As the day wore on, I felt more and more like myself. I told a couple of close co-workers about the experience. No one acted as if I was crazed. Then it dawned on me! My back felt amazing. I had not had so much as a tiny twinge all day.
And I still haven't. No back pain today. None.
I told Joe on the way to the ball game that I wasn't sure but that I might have had some sort of religious experience. He nodded and said whatever worked for me. He was serious though and he knew what I meant. I felt as though I'd had some sort of breakthrough. Like something lifted that I never even knew was there. Or maybe something cracked wide ass open?
Only time will tell....
