And if you feel that you can't go on...

In the light you will find the road.

Left Behind

Joe went off carousing with his friend, Allen, in C-town on Thursday night. Sam went to spend the night with his grandparents and Zoe was not invited. It was his special night.

We found ourselves left behind. Just us two girls. So, we took our pants off. We roller-skated in our panties. Then we ate junk food. While eating, we decided to go have a walk. We were full of chicken nuggets and we had ketchup smeared across our faces. We didn't even wash our hands. We just went. Oh! We did put our pants back on. It was already almost 9 when we set out. We walked the sun down.

My children love gravel more than any kids I've ever seen. I loved rocks but these kids have an affinity for gravel I cannot understand. Zoe says gravel is made of diamonds and black pepper. That's what she says.

We talked to neighbors. We waved to the guy on the lawnmower. We walked down the path at my cousin's to see the horses.
As it darkened, Zoe looked up and pointed at the clouds. The photo does them no justice. It was a beautiful display. Zoe said it was a spaceship. She told me she was afraid. So I broke into song. You're thinking Neil Young, aren't you? After The Goldrush, right? Uh huh...uh huh...

I wasn't surprised by her fear. When I was small, I believed these sorts of formations were the eye of God looking directly down at me. I felt small and pitiful. It frightened me. Zoe hasn't been introduced to that god. I think she intuitively wonders at the powers of nature- the everyday spectacles before her. And that leaves me to wonder.

Well, I dreamed I saw the silver spaceships 

flying in the yellow haze of the sun,

There were children crying

and colors flying

all around the chosen ones.

                                                                                                                                            

-After The Goldrush

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

...

...

Come on you target for faraway laughter, 

Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

...

...

Come on you raver, you seer of visions, 

come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

- Pink Floyd

Yesterday, I received a Facebook request from a guy I went to high school with. It followed an exchange between the two of us on a fellow classmate's page. The jest was that one guy said he was moody. I said they have medicine for that and I was soaking some fruit it in. The other guy said he loved my way of thinking and he could see that I haven't changed. Now, he and I were not close friends but he was obviously privy to some of my exploits. My priorities in high school were as follows: 

1) Get high

2) Get laid

3) Graduate

This is the thing. If you put drugs and sex at the top of your list, you lose your grasp on the most important things, which would be learning and graduating. I was a gifted student in AP classes and I just pissed it all away. I wanted to make adult sized decisions but I had a tiny teenaged brain. Oh sure, I pulled it off because that's what I do. I make my way. And when I was accepted in nursing school, it was a whole different ball game. Life and my priorities had changed by then. 

You might be surprised to find out that I took my new Facebook friend's words as a compliment. Now, when being a grown-up gets to be too much, I yearn to be the person I was then. Wild, carefree, unencumbered and unabashed. I search daily for the middle ground, for a responsible yet joyful life.

His comment made me smile and feel like the old me, bright and shiny, for a little while. 

And maybe, just maybe, I haven't changed as much as I like to think.

Pressed Between The Pages Of My Mind

if i lay my head down 
i will see you in my dream
wearin that polka dot dress 
and sittin by the stream
leaning in to hear you
you will whisper in my ear
and everything i need to know 
i finally hear

i wish i could remember 
but my selective memory
won't let me

when i was a baby we would go
out to the park
and sit out in the fountain
and splash around until it's dark
days go on forever 
when you only know that much
and everything you need to know 
is answered with one touch

i wish i could remember 
but my selective memory
won't let me

- Selective Memory, Eels