My husband has never been a big fan of the battery operated boyfriend. Although he doesn't begrudge anyone their mechanical means, he doesn't want to be asked if he could "plug it in." I can cross my eyes and reach orgasm so it's never been a sticking point for us. We are lucky in love and in the sack like that.
Next month will be eight years we've spent together. During that time, we've made love, made babies, made a life together...with no magical vibrator to thank for it. But now...I'm in the mood to try something different. We are getting older but we have small children. We are not machines. We fall asleep before anything happens. And any sort of private personal session is contraindicated when it must happen on the sofa right in the middle of the house. There is no longer time for privacy, sensual music and body worship. A moment to myself means utter destruction to everything else. Herein lies the rub. Busy moms still need to get off. If nothing else but for their sanity.
The plan was sound. I ordered the device. I paid a total of $36 for the waterproof device named Shockwave! I knew it would fix me right up in about 2 1/2 minutes. Minimal damage would be inflicted in that time frame. I waited patiently. Then I waited impatiently. Joe began to ask after it. I'd shrug. He'd smile and shake his head. Finally, I asked after IT. Back ordered...two weeks. All in all, I waited a month for it's arrival. But arrive it did.
The lady who packed it was named Amelia and she gave me the extra hot heart massager for all my troubles. How nice of her! Who wouldn't be delighted to have a girl named Amelia pack their vibrator? Joe is the only person I can think of at the moment. Now I will tell you how it all went down.
I unpacked it and Joe looked at it warily whilst saying things like, "If you think me and that thing are the same size, I'm taking you to the eye doctor!" He sat quietly in his chair, watching ESPN and I went to check Facebook. After midnight, I retrieved a sleeping Joe from his chair. He said he was afraid to interrupt anything by coming to bed. I gave him The Look. We went to bed and did it. We did it three nights in a row. It was a nice streak.
And what of the Shockwave?
Makes me numb as a goose.
6 comments:
Geese are numb? I'm confused.
I dunno if geese are numb. They don't seem to derive pleasure from their sexual act and they lay eggs. If I WERE a goose, I'd have to be a numb goose. But I'm not a goose. I am a woman with a brand new vibrator that makes me numb before it makes me anything else.
Three times AFTER midnight? Hmmm. Now where are those damn batteries?
Numb is not good. Maybe you need to put something between it and you. Or use flatter batteries.
You two crack my ass up.
From what I remember of my vibrator days, numb means the vibration is too strong. Does it have adjustable settings?
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